Christmas Reflection

Today is the first Christmas I have had to get through without my sweet John. While we didn’t have a lifetime together, it feels like my soul has always known him. I know that we only had 4 Christmases together but the first 2 we didn’t get to spend the actual day together because of my family situation at the time. But, we did have OUR Christmas time together those 2 years. The last 2 years we were in our home, happy, in love, and we celebrated in our way. Quiet, loving, and affectionate. That’s really how we lived every day together. Last Christmas was such a lovely day and in such stark contrast to this year. I am, by choice, sitting here alone in our living room. I’m listening to Christmas music and getting ready to take the tree down. I am ready for this holiday to be over. It is almost like I need to check these events off my list of “firsts.” All the things that used to be so joyful that are now so hard to get through without him. As time goes on the tears don’t last as long but they still come pretty much daily. I can smile at the many wonderful memories I have of John and now they aren’t always followed by tears. The ever-present lump in my throat isn’t as big as it once was. I have even been able to sing from time to time. The lump prevented that for the first several months. I can see other couples happy and not feel a great sense of despair because I know that I may never find that again. I now understand how someone can actually die from a broken heart. I feel as though I could at times. Missing him is not an accurate representation of what I feel. I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. That ALL of my insides are missing, and I am now just a shell of a person. I can put on a smile and pretend for a few moments that I am ok but in reality, I am not ok. I may never be “ok” again. I will be a different version of myself, eventually. I feel like I am getting there slowly. I feel like to most people I probably seem like that is what has already happened. I don’t like to bring anyone down. I don’t want to make people uncomfortable. But, I also don’t want John forgotten. I want people to talk about him…even if it makes me cry. Because saying his name isn’t what makes the tears come. Listening to your recollections isn’t what makes me cry. Knowing that he touched people’s lives isn’t what makes me cry. The tears are a mix of happy and sad. Happy that he isn’t forgotten and sad because I know that I must live the rest of my life without him. He gave me the greatest gift any person can give another. He LOVED me! He cherished me! He made me feel like the best version of myself that ever existed. And I gave him the same gift. I absolutely adored him! I asked him often if he knew how much I loved him and he would always say, “Yes, sweets, you do such a good job of showing me and telling me every day.” He knew because I never wanted him to forget. I was the luckiest woman in the world to have had such a wonderful man to love and be loved by.

So, in my own self-imposed solitude tonight, I wanted to write down all of the things that I am thankful for. I think expressing gratitude is the key, for me at least, to healing and putting the pieces of my broken heart and soul back together.

• ·       First on the list are my children. I have the most wonderful kids! When John died, my older kids swooped in and bundled me up and took care of everything. My daughter and her fiancé moved in and are paying the mortgage on the house. My son and daughter-in-law are paying the rest of my bills. I haven’t worked in about 11 years, so I am trying to study to get my certification to teach and am hoping that I will have that in place, so I can have a job by the fall. My 2 little ones are what keeps me going. They are all the reason that I get out of bed every morning.
• ·       I have parents who love me and check up on me all the time. My dad gives me lots of advice and has always been there for me and for my kids. I could tell him that the kids have a concert the day of and he would change his plans so he could be there. He loves his family very much. He is a man of few words but, I know that he loves me. I love you so much, Dad. My mom calls and comes over to check up on me and to visit the kids often. Our relationship has been rocky at times but, I am thankful that we are good now. Love you, Mom.
• ·       I have relationships with people that some would not expect me to have. Ex-spouses most of the time don’t want anything to do with each other and especially given the context of my relationship with John. I am so glad that I have these people in my life but there is no way I can take credit for that. The reason that I am in any way welcome in their lives is solely on them.  So, to Chris, Roger, and Lea, I thank you for that. Truly and Sincerely.
• ·       I have several VERY good friends whom have been here for me for quite a while but have stepped up their game since John died. First, my sister Kim (yes, I know she’s related but that doesn’t mean we HAVE to like eachother!) – thank you for crying with me and understanding when I didn’t want to talk and for coming here for John’s funeral and for drinking with me and for…and the list goes on and on….thank you for being my sister! I love you so much! Dawn Pierce – thank you for the drive by hugs and your sweet messages!! Looking forward to helping with your campaign! Linda Ravenholt – we are WAY too old to be staying up all night talking! BUT that is what happens every freaking time we get together!! Thanks for always being there for me to vent to and for not ever judging me! Love you! Krista Coleman – We had ourselves a European adventure! I’m so glad we went, and I will always cherish the memories and the friendships we made on the cruise. I feel like you and I must have been related in a former life. Love you and your sweet family! Angie Kaufman – Can’t remember now how long we have been friends – mostly because I’m old and my memory is shot! HA! But, you are a major part of the fond memories I have from my teenage years. I’m so glad you are still part of my life and one of my oldest, dearest friends. Love you like crazy, chickee! Staci Leigh – I have only known you for a few months and even though we have never actually met, this horrible club we belong to has brought us together. We have said it before, but I believe we are soul-sisters. I hope that wherever our husbands are, they have met and are drinking Malbec together while watching over us! 😊 Marcellus Brown and Phil Hartman – thank you for the lovely job you did at John’s memorial, for checking up on me, for bringing me wine (wine is ALWAYS  a good idea! HA!) and, most of all, for being such wonderful friends to John. He absolutely cherished your friendship. Your Foundation Meetings were a highlight of his week! He always made them a priority and had lots to talk about when he came home to me. Much love to all of you!
• ·       I have, for now at least, a lovely, cozy home that holds wonderful memories of my life with my sweet love. I hope that I will be able to stay in it but, if I don’t those memories will always be with me. No one can ever take that from me. I was given a gift of a beautiful love story that most of was played out in our home. Neither of us were happy nor proud about our beginnings and we were both very sorry for the hurt we caused but, it was a love story nonetheless. I experienced the greatest love of my life. I got to have that! I feel so grateful for that!
• ·       I have the ability and the desire to heal. It is stronger on some days and sometimes non-existent on others but, I do possess it.
• ·       Overall, I had a good Christmas. I felt loved and cared for. It was clear from the gifts that I received that I was being comforted. My dad drew a beautiful picture of Venice from a picture I took while I was there in September. Hidden in the sketch are dozens of hearts, music notes, and John’s name. Sarah and David got me slippers and a book and a picture of them together; Chris got me a gift card to PF Chang; the little kids got me a massage; Krista got me a luxurious Sherpa throw; Cameron made me a side table for my chair; and my mom got me a lovely vase to put flowers in my room to brighten it up.
• ·       I have the friendship of a few thousand people on Facebook in some wonderful support groups I have found. Love Still Lives and Late Night Widows and Widowers have been such wonderful “safe” places to post thoughts, ask questions, and even give some encouragement to other widows and widowers. It feels like a family of misfits from society in a way. We all know the same pain and we all seem to go through some of the same struggles. It is nice to be able to have someone that can relate. Their generosity is unbounded, and I am so thankful for all of them!

Getting through these “firsts,” I hope, will get a little easier as time ticks on. I’m doing as well as I could be today and that is a big thing to be thankful for. I have felt John with me most every day since he died and more so over the last couple weeks. I still get a constant stream of hearts from him and he speaks to me through music. For that, I am SO happy about. I am anticipating the next few months to be difficult. I am not going to MAKE them difficult, but I can’t imagine that they won’t be given all the “firsts” that I have to get through. New Year’s, the birth of his first grandchild that I may or may not be able to see, his birthday in February, our 1^st wedding anniversary in March, and the anniversary of his death on April 17.  I really do hope that I can get through them in much the same way I have Christmas, but I have my doubts. I skipped Thanksgiving because it is my favorite holiday and I just couldn’t do it this year. Christmas has never been a huge deal for me so maybe that is why it has been a little easier on me. New Years has always felt like a rebirth to me. Maybe this year it will feel the same. Maybe it will be cathartic. Maybe I will get totally shitfaced and just try to forget the last 8 months! I guess we will find out in about 6 days! At any rate, I will try to reflect at each of those “firsts” and take stock of what I am thankful for. I couldn’t do this even just a few months ago so I am thankful for that, too. Forward movement. Stoic determination. Living because I have to for both of us now. Merry Christmas to my sweet love and to all of you.