STOP with the advice!! (Warning - I sometimes have a foul mouth. Get over it.)

July 19, 2017

I’m feeling a little ragey right now. I will never understand for the life of me why people that haven’t gone through this feel the need, or think they have the right, to say things like, “You know having his presence around you all the time is just going to make it tougher for you to get over him.” REALLY?! I mean, FUCKING REALLY?!?!?! How the fuck would you know? I am pretty sure it can’t get any tougher in this particular area of my life. I am at rock fucking bottom right now! Then to suggest that I will get “older and wiser?” Older and wiser, perhaps, but that will not change the fact that I lost my person. The one person that, for the first time in my LIFE, I felt like I couldn’t live without. I have always been a very independent and strong woman and really never felt like I couldn’t live without anyone. But John changed all that and now I have no choice but to live without him. So, if having his presence around me gives me some comfort then that’s absolutely what I’ll wish for!

Here’s another one I just LOVE. “We all have a future.” Yeah…..except JOHN!!! I get that others don’t think of him all the time. They shouldn’t. He wasn’t a consequential part of their day, everyday. But, he was mine. He was my 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year PERSON. So, please forgive me if I feel like my future is dark right now. A big part of me died the day he drew his last breath so dark is exactly how it feels to me.

Then there are those lovely quips like, “He’s in a better place.” BULLSHIT! His “better place” is right next to me! He wasn’t old and decrepit. He wasn’t sick. He had a heart attack and they fucked up! That’s how I see it and how I’ll always see it. I will blame myself and the hospital for his death forever. If I had just taken him to St. Luke’s instead of St. Al’s, maybe he’d still be here. If I had made him go sooner, maybe he’d still be here. If I had just stayed home instead of taken Michael to cub scouts, I could have taken him to the hospital earlier and maybe he’d still be here! I know everyone says, “you can’t do that to yourself.” It’s already done. Those thoughts are there and I must live with them.

“You’re still young enough to find love again.” I DON’T WANT ANYONE ELSE!!! I know this is early on in this horrible “journey” (another word I really fucking hate) and I also know that making definitive statements regarding my future right now isn’t a good idea but I cannot begin to imagine that there is another John out there. He was my match in every way. Life was easy with him. I’m not saying we were perfect. We both had tempers and at times they showed themselves. But, for a good majority of the time, we were very happy. He was the one person on this planet that I felt was my true soul mate. Those that know me knows that I am not a gushy girl. I didn’t really, truly believe in that soul mate crap. But then this man came back into my life after knowing him since I was a teenager, and stole my heart and soul. So, no, I don’t want anyone else.

If any of you reading this have not lost your “person,” please don’t comfort those that have with useless phrases that you have been taught to say to someone grieving their person. Just say, “I have no idea what you are feeling but I am so sorry and I’m here for you.” Or just hug them and show up. Do something. Clean their house. Make them food. Just sit with them and let them cry or talk or whatever they need to do. They have to figure out how to live again after wanting to die. They might seem, as time goes by, that they are “getting over it” because they are smiling or laughing, but they will never “get over it.” They are reinventing themselves and that is a very painful process. So, be gentle for as long as they need you to be. 

Comments

  1. AnonymousJuly 20, 2017 at 11:56 AM

    Thanks for your honest words. I lost my brother and everyday I am haunted by the "what if"s and having people tell me that I need to stop beating myself up or that "it was for the best", or "it's God's plan" or that "he's in a better place now" just make me want to throw up. No one ever talks about the anger that happens after we lose the person we love, and there's no understanding for the fact that people who are grieving are not just sad, they are angry and conflicted and also hurting from the depth of their souls from their loss of their person they loved more than anyone else. And seriously, if I hear people talk about all this "journey" shit one more time...this is not a journey, there is no destination, it's just shit and pain and hurt and loss that will eventually become less, I guess, but there are no rainbows at the end and no place to arrive to that makes the "journey" worth it. The only positive twist I have been able to put on losing my brother is that I am much more sensitive to other people's loss now then I was before and in that way, I feel like I've become a bit more empathetic. I'd give up the empathy any day to still have him back though. :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heather KingJuly 20, 2017 at 10:21 PM

      I totally get that. I know the empathy gets much greater after such a loss. But, as you said, I'd give that up just to have me sweet John back by my side. Please reach out if you'd like to talk. My email address is hmiverson@gmail.com. Love and light to you, dear.....

      Delete
  2. debprimDecember 2, 2017 at 4:04 PM

    I lost my husband of 30 years nine years ago,it has been a hard journey,thought I would die too but I took it,got up everyday and carried on. I will never ever get over losing Tom,not ever. But I have meet someone else,it is not the same love i had with my husband,father of my children but he treats me very well and I love him dearly. I am living life in honor and respect of my Tom who fought for five years against lung cancer,I will try and live the way we always did.I pray for all of you that have lost your other half. God bless.

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