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Today

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“Today” In this past year that now seems like a complete blur, I have gone through every day never really knowing if I was going to be able to make it to the next. Losing the greatest love of my life has proven to be the most difficult loss I have ever suffered to date. I have buried my first daughter who was stillborn, lost all three of my grandparents, several aunts – all in their 40s, and some beloved friends and former teachers. I thought I was prepared for anything. I thought that having gone through more than my fair share of grief, that I was going to be ok with whatever life threw at me. Boy! Was I ever wrong! Losing your person is probably the worst possible grief anyone can suffer. You lose everything when they die. Your daily existence – every hour of the day – is affected by this profound loss. It is crippling. I don’t think I got out of bed for a few weeks after John died. People would stop by and I told them to just come in to my room because I wasn’t getting out o
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One Year

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One year….one.whole.year.  I cannot understand how it can possibly be an entire year since my sweet John and I were married. This day, March 10, 2017, we were so happy! SO very happy! We were getting ready to drive 2 and a half hours to a little mountain town to elope!! We had already planned our dream honeymoon to Europe to take place in September and we were going to wait until just before leaving on that to stop by the courthouse and get married. Neither of us wanted to wait that long, though. So, we decided to elope to Hailey and have a mini-honeymoon at an historic Bed & Breakfast. I bought myself a very simple blush colored dress and bought John a new shirt and tie that matched his navy jacket and my dress. I booked the judge for 3:00pm, found a florist that made my bouquet and John’s boutonniere, and found a photographer to come for about an hour to take photos of the ceremony and a few of us after. March 10 was a beautiful, bright sunny almost spring day aft
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Christmas Reflection

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Today is the first Christmas I have had to get through without my sweet John. While we didn’t have a lifetime together, it feels like my soul has always known him. I know that we only had 4 Christmases together but the first 2 we didn’t get to spend the actual day together because of my family situation at the time. But, we did have OUR Christmas time together those 2 years. The last 2 years we were in our home, happy, in love, and we celebrated in our way. Quiet, loving, and affectionate. That’s really how we lived every day together. Last Christmas was such a lovely day and in such stark contrast to this year. I am, by choice, sitting here alone in our living room. I’m listening to Christmas music and getting ready to take the tree down. I am ready for this holiday to be over. It is almost like I need to check these events off my list of “firsts.” All the things that used to be so joyful that are now so hard to get through without him. As time goes on the tears don’t last as
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Honesty

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I belong to a group online that prompts you to write and post a picture of yourself each week. This week’s topic was honesty.
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STOP with the advice!! (Warning - I sometimes have a foul mouth. Get over it.)

July 19, 2017 I’m feeling a little ragey right now. I will never understand for the life of me why people that haven’t gone through this feel the need, or think they have the right, to say things like, “You know having his presence around you all the time is just going to make it tougher for you to get over him.” REALLY?! I mean, FUCKING REALLY ?!?!?! How the fuck would you know? I am pretty sure it can’t get any tougher in this particular area of my life. I am at rock fucking bottom right now! Then to suggest that I will get “older and wiser?” Older and wiser, perhaps, but that will not change the fact that I lost my person. The one person that, for the first time in my LIFE, I felt like I couldn’t live without. I have always been a very independent and strong woman and really never felt like I couldn’t live without anyone. But John changed all that and now I have no choice but to live without him. So, if having his presence around me gives me some comfort then that’s absolutely
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If I Am Called Before You

I found this poem that really spoke to me. I was having a very hard day a few days ago. I had been crying because I was missing my sweet John so terribly that day. I miss him every day, but some days the waves of grief seem to be insurmountable. I got on my computer and opened Pinterest and this poem was the first thing on the lists of pins to see. I read it and it literally sounded like John had written it for me. He loved it when I sang to him. He wanted to be remembered for all the wonderful things he did. It just really resonated with me at a time when I really needed it. I hope it makes some of you feel a little comfort as well. If I Am Called Before You If I am called before you And you’re left to carry on Some things I’d like to ask of you, When my time here is done I’d like to be remembered For the kindness I once shared I’d like to be remembered For the way I loved and cared To honor me, keep reaching out Stand tall, and walk with love Know that
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"CODE BLUE TO THE CATH LAB!"

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Journal Entry - July 12, 2017 10:00pm It was right around this time on this day in April that my entire world fell apart. I had taken John to the hospital because he was having chest pains. The same chest pains he was there for 2 weeks before, that they dismissed as “not cardiac related," discharged him with the suggestion that it might be anxiety and that we should see his general doctor to see if he can give him some anxiety medication. This time, his pain was much more intense but, otherwise, the same. We got to the hospital and they got him hooked up to an EKG. The doctor came in and I heard them say “STEMI” when they were looking at his EKG. I immediately looked at them in horror and they knew that I knew what they were talking about. The doctor called me out in the hall and said, “there is going to be a lot of activity here in about 30 seconds. Your husband is having a heart attack.” I immediately started crying and he said that they were going to call people in to op
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