Honesty
I
belong to a group online that prompts you to write and post a picture of
yourself each week. This week’s topic was honesty.
Honesty. OK....here goes. This is me waking up with my now perpetually swollen eyelids
from grieving. Waking up next to the last shirt my husband ever wore before my
nightmare started on April 12. I sleep with it every night because it still
smells like him. It's the only thing I have left that does. He didn't wear
cologne so it's that shirt.
If I was truly honest with people when they ask me if I'm OK, my answer of "No, not really." would actually be a gut wrenching sob from the deepest part of my soul.
If I could be honest with people when they ask how everything is going, I wouldn't say, "It is what it is." I would say, "My husband died. He died and he shouldn’t have. He died because the hospital and doctors that were supposed to stop his heart attack fucked up! I am completely broken and some days – more than I would like to admit - I would really like to join him. But, I can’t. I can’t do that to my kids so here I am. Completely shattered and trying to look normal so everyone else can feel good. I physically hurt from the grief. It is a literal pain all over from my head to my feet. I have no income and have not worked in almost 12 years. I have to go back to school to get my teaching certification and I can't really piece 2 coherent sentences together so THAT should be fun. I am preparing for a trip to Europe that should be the trip of a lifetime but was supposed to be my honeymoon so I'm apprehensive about going but I know in my heart that John would want me to...so I am. I found out that since we were only married for 5 weeks, I am not entitled to any of John's social security....now or ever. So, if I ever felt like a blip in my sweet John’s life before, the government confirmed it for me. I am being supported by my older 2 kids and I am extremely grateful for that, but they have their own lives and I feel like they are wanting me to get on with mine so they can get on with theirs. They would never say that but I feel it. I hate being a burden and I don't feel like I could hold a job right now, let alone get one after not working for 12 years. I am barely holding it together for my little 2 kids and I have never wished for school to start until this summer. I am broken. I miss everything about him and I don't want to do this anymore."
How's that for honesty? "It is what it is."
If I was truly honest with people when they ask me if I'm OK, my answer of "No, not really." would actually be a gut wrenching sob from the deepest part of my soul.
If I could be honest with people when they ask how everything is going, I wouldn't say, "It is what it is." I would say, "My husband died. He died and he shouldn’t have. He died because the hospital and doctors that were supposed to stop his heart attack fucked up! I am completely broken and some days – more than I would like to admit - I would really like to join him. But, I can’t. I can’t do that to my kids so here I am. Completely shattered and trying to look normal so everyone else can feel good. I physically hurt from the grief. It is a literal pain all over from my head to my feet. I have no income and have not worked in almost 12 years. I have to go back to school to get my teaching certification and I can't really piece 2 coherent sentences together so THAT should be fun. I am preparing for a trip to Europe that should be the trip of a lifetime but was supposed to be my honeymoon so I'm apprehensive about going but I know in my heart that John would want me to...so I am. I found out that since we were only married for 5 weeks, I am not entitled to any of John's social security....now or ever. So, if I ever felt like a blip in my sweet John’s life before, the government confirmed it for me. I am being supported by my older 2 kids and I am extremely grateful for that, but they have their own lives and I feel like they are wanting me to get on with mine so they can get on with theirs. They would never say that but I feel it. I hate being a burden and I don't feel like I could hold a job right now, let alone get one after not working for 12 years. I am barely holding it together for my little 2 kids and I have never wished for school to start until this summer. I am broken. I miss everything about him and I don't want to do this anymore."
How's that for honesty? "It is what it is."
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