Today

“Today”

In this past year that now seems like a complete blur, I have gone through every day never really knowing if I was going to be able to make it to the next. Losing the greatest love of my life has proven to be the most difficult loss I have ever suffered to date. I have buried my first daughter who was stillborn, lost all three of my grandparents, several aunts – all in their 40s, and some beloved friends and former teachers. I thought I was prepared for anything. I thought that having gone through more than my fair share of grief, that I was going to be ok with whatever life threw at me. Boy! Was I ever wrong! Losing your person is probably the worst possible grief anyone can suffer. You lose everything when they die. Your daily existence – every hour of the day – is affected by this profound loss. It is crippling. I don’t think I got out of bed for a few weeks after John died. People would stop by and I told them to just come in to my room because I wasn’t getting out of my bed. My friends and family worried about me because I was always the one that bounced back and got on with life after tragedy. This time, I wasn’t bouncing. I wasn’t even coming close. I had never been one to feel like there was no hope or wanted to end my life, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t wish I wouldn’t wake up the next morning, every night when I went to sleep. I wanted to be with John. I wanted to feel his sweet kisses on my lips again. I wanted to be happy again. I wanted my life back. I wanted this horrible pain to end.

Having to get up day after day and try to function in the midst of the excruciating pain I felt was like experiencing his death over and over again. I lost him every night I went to sleep without him and every morning I woke up and he still wasn’t here. I waited in bed almost every morning to see if it was possible that I had just woken up from a horrible, horrible nightmare and I would somehow hear my sweet love call for me from the couch, “Heller! Are you gonna come have coffee with me?” I wished so hard that I could just hear him say that one more time. There were SO many wishes over the last year. I am not delusional. I know he is gone. But, OH how wonderful it would be to be able to time travel, or go to heaven just for the day, or sit on a bench with him for just one day! I know every person on the planet that has lost someone dear to them has made these same wishes, but the weight I placed on these wishes WAS abnormal. I was reading articles from fantastical accounts from people that claimed they had traveled back in time, or that had “died” and had been brought back and claimed to have had contact with their dead loved ones. I took comfort in these accounts and was jealous of these people. I just wanted SO badly to be with him in any way I could.

I have been lucky in that I have a little bit of a gift that has allowed me to feel John’s presence and to see his energy. I know that there are those that would chalk that up to my intense grief and that I just want to believe that it is him; that there are reasonable explanations for these experiences. To those people, I cannot dispel any doubts you may have. I can only tell you that what I have experienced in that arena is real. John has sent me hundreds of hearts since he died. In the most unlikely of places and in ways that cannot be explained. Finding these makes me smile every time and for that I am grateful. Trying to rationalize all of that is exhausting and it really doesn't matter. Me believing that it is him isn't hurting anyone and it brings me comfort so I will continue to have faith in my gift and be thankful for those tiny moments of happiness that it brings.

The stark contrast from where my life is today to where it was a year ago is remarkable. John and I were SO very happy together. We had just been married, were getting ready to get our affairs in order regarding wills and property, but had to put that aside because it was tax season and John had not been feeling very well. He went to the hospital about this time last year. He was checked out and released, but ultimately this was the precursor to what would ultimately kill him. Now I have 2 lawyers, facing the very real possibility of having to move out of the house that John wanted me to have so his daughter can collect the money that she feels she deserves, trying to get my teaching certification so I can get a job after being a stay at home mom for 12 years, having to try to be a mom to my children, and having to face all of this pretty much alone. There have been days over the last year that I have had total melt downs over the smallest of issues. There have also been days that I have had melt downs over major issues. I’m sure every mom out there can relate. The difference between "mom meltdowns" and my meltdowns is that it takes me to the very darkest recesses of my brain and I don't recover from them very quickly. This is what happens when you have to try to cope with all of these things without your person and in the middle of trying to grieve for your sweet love. 

I started going to counseling and EMDR therapy in January of this year. EMDR therapy is totally amazing! I highly recommend it for anyone that is suffering with PTSD or complicated grief. It really allowed me to think clearly and I was finally able to study and retain information. Through counseling, I was able to put some things into perspective and to also prioritize what I needed to focus on. I still have days that I am really just not able to deal with pretty much anything, and everything seems to hold so much weight that I just cannot function. The last major meltdown I had a few weeks ago was very bad. I was ready to “cash in my chips” because I felt like everything that could go wrong had and continued to do so. I felt like I really wasn’t doing anyone any service by being here and they were all much better off without me. Fortunately, I posted my feelings on Facebook and I had an instant response from many people. One of my best friends called immediately and I was hysterical when I answered my phone. She said, “I’m on my way but can’t remember your address. Text it to me and I’ll be there shortly.” My oldest son called my oldest daughter and told her to pick up some wine on her way home. My son in law came into my room and held on to me and let me cry. I had a few other friends text me and tell me that I am important to them and that they love me. I found that I have this support system that I need to lean on when I feel hopeless. I was surprised by the amount of people that came to my rescue that night. I don’t know why I was surprised, but I was. I love deeply, and I take care of everyone, but I tend to discount the impact I have in other people’s lives.

Since that night, I have had a few times that I felt that hopelessness creep in. I am really trying to move forward and learn to live again in the midst of this horrible grief and emptiness that I have to endure. I know that John wants me to live for both of us and he also knows how much I love my children and often complimented me on how devoted a mom I am. In the last few weeks, on those days that I have felt overwhelmed and hopeless my thoughts usually take me to one sentence. “I can’t handle this.” Or “I can’t do this.” I have been trying to remember to add one word to those sentences. “Today” is that word. It changes the was that those sentences feel. It makes it OK to feel that way “today.” It gives you permission to take the day to wallow if you need to or put some things on the back burner, so you don’t feel so overwhelmed. It takes it from a very serious, very scary context to something that is much more manageable. The first time I did this, I was amazed at the difference I felt almost immediately. I’m not saying that it is a quick fix for everything that is plaguing you but, on those days that maybe all of the things are hitting you all at once, it might take the edge off enough for you to just “be” for the day.

Grief is hard and messy and horrible and if there is anything that can help someone cope with the worst of days, I think it is important to share that. For that reason, I share this with all of you. I am FAR from feeling like I am any semblance of the woman I used to be but, right now at this moment, I at least have a shred of hope that I might, someday, figure out how to be happy again. Hope is something that I was lacking for a very long time. I am glad to feel even just a little bit of that now. Today.