One Year

One year….one.whole.year.  I cannot understand how it can possibly be an entire year since my sweet John and I were married. This day, March 10, 2017, we were so happy! SO very happy! We were getting ready to drive 2 and a half hours to a little mountain town to elope!! We had already planned our dream honeymoon to Europe to take place in September and we were going to wait until just before leaving on that to stop by the courthouse and get married. Neither of us wanted to wait that long, though. So, we decided to elope to Hailey and have a mini-honeymoon at an historic Bed & Breakfast.

I bought myself a very simple blush colored dress and bought John a new shirt and tie that matched his navy jacket and my dress. I booked the judge for 3:00pm, found a florist that made my bouquet and John’s boutonniere, and found a photographer to come for about an hour to take photos of the ceremony and a few of us after.

March 10 was a beautiful, bright sunny almost spring day after what was the worst winter on record in Boise. The sky was such a beautiful bright blue and when we got to Hailey, where there was still 3 feet of snow on the ground, the sun reflected on the snow and everything seemed to sparkle like glitter. Even though there was still 3 feet of snow on the ground, it was about 45-50 degrees so we were comfortable in just a light jacket. It was gorgeous! I couldn’t have ordered nicer weather.

We got checked into our room, which was perfect with a king-sized bed and a lovely fireplace, and we started getting ready to go the courthouse. John, of course was done in no time and went downstairs to meet the florist and photographer. I finished getting ready and we were off to the courthouse!

We got to the courthouse, figured out where we needed to be and waited for the judge. She came in and we had our very short, very sweet ceremony and at 3:17pm on 3/10/17, I became Mrs. John King. I was elated. John got choked up and held tight to my hand. What a beautiful love we shared. We, along with the photographers, started walking out of the courthouse and found that my sweet daughter and her fiancé took a day off of work and drove 5 hours round trip to blow bubbles for us when we came out of the courthouse. They also decorated my car! John was so surprised and very touched that they would do that for us.

I knew that Sarah was planning on doing that but didn’t tell John because I didn’t want him to feel bad that his own children would have never done something like that. You see, part of the reason that we decided to not get married in Boise was because I wanted to invite all our children to be there with us. We knew all my kids would have been there and would have been very happy for both of us, but his kids would not have even responded to the invitation. He, nor I, wanted a cloud to be over our day. We were both so very happy to be getting married even in the midst of other people’s judgements – including those of his children.

We went back to the bed and breakfast where we found the most beautiful tiny wedding cake set out for us with some plates and utensils. The manage of the B&B was a pastry chef and found out that we were getting married and surprised us with the little cake. We cut the cake, took pictures, sat and visited with Sarah, David and the photographer for a little while before going to our room to rest and change our clothes. Sarah and David left to drive back to Boise.

We had our wedding dinner at a local restaurant called CK’s Real Food. We shared gaucho steak and a lovely bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and enjoyed each other’s company, as we always did. We then returned to our room where we exchanged letters that we had written to each other before we left Boise. In true fashion to each of our personalities, John’s was short but very meaningful and sweet and mine was much more verbose.  He said, after reading mine, “I knew yours was going to be better than mine.” Even though tears were streaming down my face after reading his. 

This is what I wrote to him:

“March 10, 2017

To my sweet love on our wedding day,

Today, I became your wife. I’ve never been impacted by that word as much as I am with you. I’ve been someone else’s wife, just as you have been someone else’s husband. But, I feel differently about it with you. It is an honor to be your wife. It is an honor to be able to call you my husband. You are the most wonderful man I have ever been with, John. I don’t say these things without knowing the gravity of what I’m saying. You truly are my match in every way. I am completely and totally in love with you.

I want to share with you my intentions and promises in sharing our lives together. My love for you seems to grow every day we have been together. It has evolved and changed in the last few years but in my heart, it is stronger than ever. I promise to love you and care for you. I truly do understand the part about ‘in sickness and in health’ and I promise to take care of you. I want to. I promise to laugh with you. I promise to talk with you for hours and meander through our thoughts together. I promise to snuggle with you. I promise to challenge you. I promise to respect you. I promise to try very hard to not push you away. I promise to never think of our relationship as ‘happily ever after’ because it’s not. I think of it as ‘every day is a gift.’ I cherish the fact that I get to go to bed with you and wake up with you every day. I promise to do everything I can to make you happy. I promise to smile at you every day.

You are truly my sweet man and I am a very lucky woman to be able to call you my husband. I love you with all my heart and more.

Yours forever,

Your wife,

Heather King”

He got choked up when he read my words to him. It wasn’t the first time he has heard these things from me because I told him every day how much I love him and cherish him. But, seeing it in print seemed to make him believe it.

This was his sweet note to me:

“My Dearest Heather,

I have much to say to you on this wonderful occasion, the day of our wedding. I will do my best to say what is most relevant to you and to us. I’m not sure I knew what love could be until you came along. I’ve been in love before, but not like this. You have shown me such constant affection and have expressed it to me every single day we have been together. I hope you believe me when I tell you how very much I appreciate having you in my life. You build me up persistently and relentlessly. I sometimes have trouble accepting all you say about me as true, but the important thing is that you say it. I have no doubt you mean it. You are an incredible force in my life and you will have such and influence as the years go by. You say you want to care for me, and I have no doubt you mean it absolutely as you have shown to others in your family.

I love you profoundly and look forward to the weeks, months, and years we have left together. You are my hero!

With total sincerity,

Your husband, John”

What a beautiful love we shared.

The rest of the evening was spent laying in bed together, drinking wine, talking, watching TV, and, of course, what any couple in love and just got married would do!

In stark contrast to how happy we both were a year ago at this time, I am still struggling to make sense of all of this. I know he’s gone and never coming back. I’m not delusional. But, I am still in shock at the suddenness of it all. I feel like I was given the most precious gift in the entire universe and then the universe went, “Eh…I changed my mind. Give it back.” And now, I am here. Completely broken. Completely broke. Trying to fight for what John wanted me to have. Ready to give up but, fortunately or unfortunately, I am stuck here on this earth for a while longer.

How can this happen? Maybe I am a horrible person. Maybe those people that hated us for the way our relationship began were right? Maybe I’m just not meant to be happy? I had the best. How can I ever hope to be that happy again? I have reconciled myself to the belief that I quite possibly could be alone for the rest of my life. Right now, I’m OK with that. In 5 weeks, my John will have been gone for a year. Married on March 10 and he died on April 17.

The time we had together before we got married was wonderful and I will never be sorry for loving him or being loved by him. I quite literally had the greatest love of my life and I wouldn’t trade the time I had with him for anything. I will always love you John. As long as I’m drawing air into my lungs and long after, my love for you will live. Happy Anniversary, sweet love. You were and will always be the best gift I have ever been given.